


The Somewhat Tiny Papen County Baking Competition

by silveradept



Category: Pushing Daisies
Genre: Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-26
Updated: 2017-09-26
Packaged: 2019-01-05 13:42:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,157
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12191040
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/silveradept/pseuds/silveradept
Summary: Chuck loves a piemaker.Olive loves a piemaker.This can only mean one thing.Pie duel.





	1. In Love With A Piemaker

**Author's Note:**

  * For [OhWilloTheWisp](https://archiveofourown.org/users/OhWilloTheWisp/gifts).



The facts were these:

  * Charlotte Charles was in love with a piemaker.



"I'm in love with Ned."

Charlotte Charles had been in love with the Piemaker for twenty years, six months, for hours, and forty-nine minutes, back to the point where the Piemaker was just a Young Ned, recently bereft of both of his parents in what appeared to be an accident.

"I've been in love with Ned since we were both small."

This love would not ordinarily be a thing of note, except for two additional necessary facts.

  * Charlotte "Chuck" Charles died exactly three years, eleven months, two days, fourteen hours, and five minutes ago on a cruise ship and remained in that condition for twelve days, two hours, and nine minutes before returning to life at the touch of the Piemaker, who can bring any dead creature back to life by touching it.



This would normally be a joyous affair, with hordes awaiting eternal vigor at the hands of the Piemaker. However because the universe wishes to be fair, or because a writer's room believes a character with only the ability to bring characters back from death would be boring, a second touch from the Piemaker will return the creature to its death permanently, and if the second touch is not applied within a minute of the first, a life of the same type will be taken in exchange, regardless of whether the second touch is later applied.

  * Olive Snook was also in love with the same piemaker.



"Chuck, I'm in love with Ned as well, and I was in love with him while you were away on your cruise and...whatever other things you were doing with your life."

Olive Snook did not believe she was jealous. She believed she was looking out for the Piemaker's best interests, and it was her belief that the Piemaker's best interests involved a long and romantic courtship that ended in what Olive was beginning to refer to as Snookie on the night of their wedding, which she had planned for one year, ten months, twenty-nine days, and fifty-five minutes from now. 

"It should be clear, though, which one of us Ned wants to be with more." Olive continued.

  * It was not at all clear which of them, if anyone, the Piemaker wanted to be with more.



"I'm his childhood sweetheart, Olive," Chuck said. "By the unbreakable rules that govern relationships, since I'm the first girl he met, no matter who else tries, I'm going to be the one he sticks with."

"Where are these unbreakable rules published?" Olive asked. "Plenty of relationships don't happen with the first girl any man meets. Otherwise, divorce wouldn't be so common and people would be shielding their children from ever meeting another boy, girl, non-binary, or agender person."

  * Olive Snook had been reading a lot of material on the Internet about how relationships worked in the digital age, and now understood the repressive nature of the gender binary.



"Uh, well, [it's clearly marked on TVTropes that the First Girl Wins](http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/FirstGirlWins), even though that idea obviously extends to people of other genders or no gender at all."

  * As had Chuck.



"Well, I'm the first girl that he met when he opened up the Pie Hole, so that means I have just as good a claim on him as you do."

"Clearly, then, we will have to resolve the conflict in the manner of our ancestors," Chuck declared.

"Dueling hasn't ever been legal in Coeur de Coeurs," Olive said, confused.

"What?" Chuck said, mirroring Olive's confusion.

"I don't know about your ancestors, Chuck," Olive said, "but my progenitors thought swords and guns were the way to settle disputes."

  * This was not strictly true - many of the Snook family tree were duelers, but by and large, they did not use swords or guns as their weapons of choice, a fact that will become relevant in exactly one minute.



"My family tree tends toward the inexplicably appropriate scenario for proving oneself," Chuck said. "Like, since we're trying to woo a piemaker, we would end up both trying to bake him pies and use them as proxies for each of us."

At that moment, the television in the Pie Hole began to blare an advertisement for auditions for an upcoming episode of a baking show known well to Olive, Chuck, and the Piemaker.

"Oh," the Piemaker said, walking by with pies in his oven mitts, having missed the entirety of the conversation beforehand, "that looks interesting. I think I should try out for that."

Olive Snook and Charlotte "Chuck" Charles looked at each other with a knowing look in their eyes and, while the Piemaker's back was turned, quietly agreed to the terms of their duel.

"Whichever one of us makes it farther in the show is the one for Ned," Olive said with a grin.

"You're on," Chuck replied.


	2. A Duel In The Manner Of Our Ancestors

"What a beautiful day for baking," the Piemaker said inside the extraordinarily large tent that had been constructed on the Papen County Fairgrounds to house the would-be bakers in their quest for fame at four hundred degrees, in twenty-two minute, thirty-seven second episodes at a time. 

The facts were these:

  * Because he was a professional piemaker, the Piemaker was immediately disqualified as a contestant, threatening to derail the secret compact made by Charlotte "Chuck" Charles and Olive Snook.
  * Recognizing an opportunity to save budget on the production, the producer for the show immediately drafted the Piemaker as the "local celebrity judge" required by the contract for the show, earning the Piemaker a small sum for his effort and unknowingly saving the aforementioned compact.
  * Because the judging portion of the audition would take place without the judges knowing who had baked what, it was not deemed a conflict to have the Piemaker judge the pies of the people he knew.
  * It was raining heavily at the time the Piemaker made his statement, with the possibility of thunderstorms later on in the afternoon.
  * Despite this apparent incongruity, the Piemaker's statement was genuine, as the Piemaker had often enjoyed baking in the rain.
  * By happenstance, or a clever audible by the producer upon learning who his "local celebrity judge" was, the item chosen for the audition bake was a pie.



"I know exactly what kind of pie to make him," Chuck said confidently.

  * Charlotte Charles, having been the Piemaker's friend since she was five years, nine months, nineteen days and four minutes old, knew that the Piemaker's favorite pie was a cherry pie, as that was the pie his mother baked most often.



"I know exactly what kind of pie to bake him," Olive Snook said, equally as confidently.

  * Olive Snook, having been part of the server staff at the Pie Hole since its inception, knew that the pie the Piemaker most often baked for himself was a mixed berry pie, which he always thoroughly enjoyed.



What followed was two hours and zero minutes of contestants mixing, folding, creaming, rolling, beating, whisking, cracking, boiling, reducing, filling, baking, whipping, topping, tasting, and occasionally chatting and cursing. Both of the contestants for the Piemaker's heart considered themselves successful, if exhausted, and eagerly anticipated the results.

After two pies made with blueberries and lemon meringue, respectively, that were praised for good choices of filling, but criticized for not having fully baked through, the Piemaker dug into Olive's pie.

"Mmm," the Piemaker said, cutting into the flaky crust. "Good baking, and the crust is all the way done through. It's the right mix of fruit and jam so that it doesn't ooze, and it looks like everything has been baked nicely."

The Piemaker took a forkful and ate, chewing thoughtfully. "Couldn't have made it better myself," he said. "The person who made this has a lot of experience making pies for people. They must really love someone."

Olive Snook looked very pleased with herself.

After a key lime pie that the Piemaker reflected on as a perfect choice for a rainy day and a chocolate creme pie that the Piemaker was very polite about, if not enthusiastic, the Piemaker came to Chuck's pie.

"Well, now," the Piemaker said, prodding it gently with a fork, "this is baked just right for the kind of pie it looks like - a cherry pie straight from my childhood. Solid crust."

Cutting into the pie, the Piemaker carefully waited to see if the filling would fall out. Upon seeing a sight ooze from the filling, the Piemaker smiled nostalgically. Taking a forkful, the Piemaker sighed happily.

"Just with the right amount of motion for it, and these Rainier cherries are just right. It's like eating a pie my mother baked."

Chuck beamed with pride.

The remaining pies looked and tasted acceptably, in the Piemaker's opinion, but did not have anything extra special about them. 

After the judging, the producer called all of the contestants over to a table with a covered pie tin to announce the winner

"The contestant that will be moving on is..." he said, pausing for an (entirely unnecessary, in Olive and Chuck's opinion) dramatic pause, "...the baker of this pie!"

With a flourish, the producer opened the cover and revealed a key lime pie.


	3. Inconclusive Results, Conclusive Conclusions

The facts were these:

  * The key lime pie was the best pie for the situation of the rain and bring something refreshing, which is why it won.
  * It was clearly apparent to the Piemaker which pies had come from Olive and Chuck. 
    * Olive always signed her pies by using a pie bird that left an "O"-shaped vent hole in the top.
    * Chuck had replicated the Piemaker's mother's pie recipe too well, including the spiral cut into the top of the pie, a detail known only to someone that had been a childhood friend.
  * The presence of such pies in the competition drew the suspicion of the Piemaker that some other contest was being waged without his knowledge.



"I'm deeply suspicious some sort of other contest is taking place without my knowledge."

"Of course not," Olive said a little too quickly. "That would be silly. We both just wanted to put our best pies forward for the competition."

The Piemaker remained unconvinced.

  * Olive Snook's best pie was the rhubarb and raspberry pie she made in Saturdays for the regular crowd of truckers yearning for a slice of home. She had boasted about that pie regularly, most recently seven days, three hours, and twenty-one minutes ago to Emerson Cod after he had complained the raspberries had been soaked in the simple sugar a full minute less than usual.
  * Charlotte Charles's best pie had been, up to this point, the ones she baked for her aunts with the antidepressants in the crusts. As there had been no chalky aftertaste, the Piemaker was quite sure he had not been served her best pie, either.



"It's not like we were squabbling over who gets to maintain an active and vigorous relationship with you, and were going to base who got to have your heart based on how well we did on a cooking audition with you as the judge," Chuck added helpfully. 

A look of annoyance crossed Olive's gave before smoothing out into a more serene expression.

"Mm-hmm," the Piemaker said thoughtfully. "So you aren't going to set up an ultimatum condition where I have to choose between the childhood love of my life who has recently come back from a long trip away and the person without whom I could never fulfill my dream as a crafter of excellent pies for an appreciative audience?"

"Er...no?" Chuck said, looking at Olive for support.

"Ummm, no?" Olive said in return.

"Good!" The Piemaker beamed happily. "Because I don't want to have to choose between the two women I love the most."

After the Piemaker left, Charlotte Charles had an idea.

"So..."

Olive Snook also had an idea.

"Share?"

"I mean, we did place exactly the same in the cooking audition," Chuck said.

"And so that means we both get to keep our relationships," Olive added, nodding.

"So, that means there shouldn't be any problems if I want to go to bed with him tonight," Chuck declared, offering Olive a hand.

"And that means there shouldn't be any problems if I want to go to bed with him tonight," Olive declared, taking Chuck's hand and shaking it to seal the agreement.


	4. The Facts Are These

The facts are these:

  * Charlotte Charles was in love with a piemaker.
  * Olive Snook was also in love with the same piemaker.
  * It was abundantly clear the Piemaker wanted to be with them both.
  * Olive Snook had been reading a lot of material on the Internet about how relationships worked in the digital age.
  * As had Chuck.
  * As had The Piemaker, who was listening at the door and trying to figure out how exactly he could manage to satisfy both women tonight while respecting both of their unique sets of needs. 



"I have an idea..." he said quietly before heading back to the kitchen.


End file.
